Change is a capricious process...

It’s been a strange month or so… I have gained back a friend I thought I’d never talk to again and I lost a friend I never thought I’d loose. On a 6 months level the same processes occurred: I lost a boyfriend and a network of people… a huge part of my life and soul was pruned away. But I realized what I gained may be much greater... pruning does have a purpose. I have a great set of friends out here I wouldn't have made unless I broke up with Mark, I wouldn't be the person today unless I had dated and went through a breakup with Mark. I'm in a rare period of my life where I feel understood and reciprocated... there's no striving to be something better than I actually am. I am myself again, and it feels pretty good.

I’m still on the waitlist at Cornell, but I’ve realized there really isn’t anything for me there. Most of my interactions would be with people who knew me as “Mark’s ex girlfriend” and with that would come a whole lot of preconceived ideas of who I am. Mark never understood who I was… some of my old friends from way back when only know who I used to be, and some people only know me through my family, or my old job at a restaurant.... I shed a lot of the surface personality traits pretty quickly, although the core remains pretty much unchanged. A lot of the surface topography can be misleading too... I like it that way. Unfortunately I feel very few people can see through that: in Ithaca I'd name about 2-3 who can.

I used to be a lot of things I am no longer. Going back to Ithaca would limit me. Originally I thought it wouldn’t be bad to face my fears: the sight of Mark still triggers a great deal of adrenaline and anxiety. But I think I’d probably be more likely an animal in too small a cage... I'd be that rat who last semester in a taste aversion study at EMU knawed it's tail off... I think it might bring out my worst rather than the best.

So I’ll be going to Vanderbilt. I have family there, I have a friend a weekends drive away, and I have another friend who might move out there eventually.

That being said, I’ve learned a lesson in spontaneity recently. Apparently one of my favorite professors met her late husband during her dissertation week in grad school when he was visiting from another school himself. (And if you don’t know anything about grad school, a dissertation week could be expected to be quite busy and stressful). Anyways, she and her husband were engaged within a week and married in two: they were married 26 years until his death.

It’s strange hearing that story from a scientific researcher. You might expect someone comfortable with naturalistic variables to be much more logical and methodical in her love life. She wasn’t, and it worked. I’ve determined that’s a good idea… at least for scientific minded people… to trust one’s instincts regardless of the logic. Whenever I let my logical side have a say in my love life, bad things happen... and besides, one thing I learned from Roberto is to live life with no regrets.

My instincts told me to go to Vanderbilt… they led me to break up with Roberto 3 weeks ago. Everything is much calmer now, I actually spent part of last night subtly helping him get with the girl he fell for before me… It seemed to work amazingly well... As Donald Miller said, "sometimes you need to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself"... I saw a lot in Roberto he didn't seem to have the confidence to see in himself. He's seen that now... and maybe although Lauren had previously never had feelings for him in the 2 years he had had feelings for her... she can also see through to him. We did manage to change eachother, and entirely for the better.

There is one particular whimsical jump I might take in the next week... but more on that later. In any case, I've concluded that as far as instincts and logic goes. sometimes the jump is worth the fall.