As a few of you know, I have a second blog on which I put things either a) just for myself (writing i don't want all over the internet) or b) too personal for this, my general blog linked to myspace.
I've come to the conclusion that there is a lot I want to talk about with people via digital communication in this fashion... Personal things I don't necessarily want anyone browsing on myspace to find or any random people I'll meet through Cornell. Chances are, if you are reading this... I do trust you, but you aren't the only people who can find me via myspace. There are more casual friends who WILL find me through myspace and I'll want to update on my life... but as I go to a town where my closest friends are not necessarily within the town, I might want to do something blog-format for the scattered inner-circle.
So, if you are a friend who is a regular blog reader who wants to read my writing about things such as a) spirituality and b) my emotional and personal life issues (and hey, most of my issues probably stem from spirituality... so it's mostly spirituality) let me know and I'll hook you up with whatever link and password is necessary for you to view it... I'm going to be setting up my personal blog to be friends only.
This blog will stay as it is, but I will perhaps talk or hint to emotional or spiritual things a bit less than I have been lately...
Monday, June 25, 2007
My Thesis Raped Me.
So the procrastination ended to day when I found out that my thesis needs to be in within the next 2 weeks to the honors college or bad things happen... which means I need a solid copy sent to the honors department head and my advisor in the next couple days... (preferably tomorrow) which means my original plans of coming back in the Fall to defend and working on the second and third draft over the summer are shot (I heard originally that as long as my thesis was in before I walked this wasn't a problem, and I walk in December since there's no summer ceremony.)
Well I was wrong...
My dad gets in town tomorrow night, there's a going away party for me then... Wed I show my dad around a bit and load the van, and by Thurs night I'll be in Ithaca again... Friday I'll be meeting my grad advisor.... So what work needs to be done needs to be done tonight... as does studying for my stats final.
So yes... time to pull out the caffeine pills and make miracles happen.
Well I was wrong...
My dad gets in town tomorrow night, there's a going away party for me then... Wed I show my dad around a bit and load the van, and by Thurs night I'll be in Ithaca again... Friday I'll be meeting my grad advisor.... So what work needs to be done needs to be done tonight... as does studying for my stats final.
So yes... time to pull out the caffeine pills and make miracles happen.
Monday, June 18, 2007
A Solemn and Trivial Hello.
I did a bit of free-writing about some things awaiting me in Ithaca, much of which is a little too personal for this blog, and these excerpts are borderline. But most of you who understand it I trust it with, so here it is:
I could easily forget it all, to pretend you are just like any of the rest, until it really is so. But in those other cases, the good could be more easily sifted from the bad, the gifts were a bit more mutual and eternal and the misunderstandings could eventually be nothing more. But the weight of what you did leave me with is much heavier, and the memories would eat me away from the inside even if I did not rehearse them consciously. In the perfect world, I'd still retain you, I'd still cherish you... and nothing but the physical would have to change. But the physical and broken promises is all you left me with, giving me a a bittersweet aversion and attraction to all similar emotions that can come afterwards for others.... for you were a wonderful mistake, and told wonderful lies. There can never be worse and they can never be better. I have come to the point where I can remember the good and forget the bad, but the reality still is I never meant to you what you did to me. Your actions were clear enough, and I've been hurt enough.
I will do my best to walk the line between not saying anything too good or too bad, yet not being awkward to the point of saying nothing at all. Your world is yours... and though mine will be very parallel, it can be perfectly parallel: never intersecting. Yet that resolution will draw a great deal of strength from me as I uphold it against many pressures against it.
One can never love without opening themselves up to be hurt. Yet I chose my path not for love, and not for hate, but for logic, faith and the decision not to limit any decision by fear. I know what is coming, I know it will break me on a semi-daily basis, and I know I will either reset my psychological limits or reach the end of what is probably a weakened biological potential for these sorts of things.
But this is my path, and I can only control my own steps, not yours. So hello again: a polite, solemn and trivial hello.
I could easily forget it all, to pretend you are just like any of the rest, until it really is so. But in those other cases, the good could be more easily sifted from the bad, the gifts were a bit more mutual and eternal and the misunderstandings could eventually be nothing more. But the weight of what you did leave me with is much heavier, and the memories would eat me away from the inside even if I did not rehearse them consciously. In the perfect world, I'd still retain you, I'd still cherish you... and nothing but the physical would have to change. But the physical and broken promises is all you left me with, giving me a a bittersweet aversion and attraction to all similar emotions that can come afterwards for others.... for you were a wonderful mistake, and told wonderful lies. There can never be worse and they can never be better. I have come to the point where I can remember the good and forget the bad, but the reality still is I never meant to you what you did to me. Your actions were clear enough, and I've been hurt enough.
I will do my best to walk the line between not saying anything too good or too bad, yet not being awkward to the point of saying nothing at all. Your world is yours... and though mine will be very parallel, it can be perfectly parallel: never intersecting. Yet that resolution will draw a great deal of strength from me as I uphold it against many pressures against it.
One can never love without opening themselves up to be hurt. Yet I chose my path not for love, and not for hate, but for logic, faith and the decision not to limit any decision by fear. I know what is coming, I know it will break me on a semi-daily basis, and I know I will either reset my psychological limits or reach the end of what is probably a weakened biological potential for these sorts of things.
But this is my path, and I can only control my own steps, not yours. So hello again: a polite, solemn and trivial hello.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Enjoying the Rain when it isn’t raining.
It’s been a while since I posted, yet there have been about 4 different half-baked ideas of things worth writing about in my head… so I’ll just try to distill them all in a couple short posts over the next couple days.
I remember when Roberto first moved into the house he is moving out of this weekend. He looked out the window of a room I once rented when I first moved to Michigan, the room he was now moving into. He looked out the window amid a conversation:
“Hey Orriana”
“What?”
“You ever climb on the roof?”
I looked out… the roof did just our just under my window and lead to the side…
“No”
“Well why the hell not?!”
Months later (when it had warmed up a bit) Roberto and his girlfriend Lauren were packing up his things and I was downstairs, having moved back into the house myself in May. By this point, Roberto was effectively already living with Lauren... but kept himself from moving his things an hour away until mid-June. I was in the middle of something at this point, though I don’t remember what the something was.
“Hey Orri, c’mon upstairs” Roberto said yanking me excitedly from my desk.
“I gotta finish something”
“No you don’t… c’mon”
And so I came, and followed him onto the roof. It was a beautiful day. Lauren, Roberto and I lay there looking up at the sky for a while and people walked or drove by either failing to notice the strange site of 2 girls and a guy on a roof, or noticing all to well. This particular nick of the roof was quite comfortable. We lay at a 30 degree angle with our feet meeting the side of the house. I inhibited my idea of jumping up and down on the roof above my housemate's room...
I wondered why I hadn’t done this sooner.
And I guess it was because I didn’t have anyone to do it with.
I’m one of those people who has the desires and balls (especially the testicles) to do a good many simple yet inpracticle things, as long as it’s with one good ally… Like running or dancing barefoot in the rain. It’s something I generally desire to do in any good rainstorm… but one can’t dance alone, at least not in the rain… unless one is truly and definitely alone. And so I learn to ignore the rain like sane people do.
After one such day of lamenting that there was no one to dance with me (and thinking about doing this post, but never writing it)… a friend called and told me to “Enjoy the rain”
Not a phrase you hear often… One normally does not appreciate the lack of sunshine, although I have always loved it. That simple phrase by my friend meant a lot more to me than I’m sure it did to him. But what made that phrase meaningful to me was he never intended for it to be meaningful… it was his natural thought.
I think the best things in life are things are coincidently coincided like that, when they do come along.
So yes, on a practical sense, I’ll I have to do is finish my thesis, stats class, jobs, and in exactly 2 weeks I’ll go to an old home that has ceased very much to be a current one… I’ll miss the rituals that have become so recently addictive… goofing off with my lab mates… Doing lots of talking during a movie over pizza and beer, and hanging out on rooftops.
I find myself looking back and not forwards as I get ready to turn 25… I'll try not to do it too much, but I have far more land mines to avoid in Ithaca rather than genuine things to look forward to.
Which brings me to my plan of being single for life. But that will be another post. =)
-Orriana
I remember when Roberto first moved into the house he is moving out of this weekend. He looked out the window of a room I once rented when I first moved to Michigan, the room he was now moving into. He looked out the window amid a conversation:
“Hey Orriana”
“What?”
“You ever climb on the roof?”
I looked out… the roof did just our just under my window and lead to the side…
“No”
“Well why the hell not?!”
Months later (when it had warmed up a bit) Roberto and his girlfriend Lauren were packing up his things and I was downstairs, having moved back into the house myself in May. By this point, Roberto was effectively already living with Lauren... but kept himself from moving his things an hour away until mid-June. I was in the middle of something at this point, though I don’t remember what the something was.
“Hey Orri, c’mon upstairs” Roberto said yanking me excitedly from my desk.
“I gotta finish something”
“No you don’t… c’mon”
And so I came, and followed him onto the roof. It was a beautiful day. Lauren, Roberto and I lay there looking up at the sky for a while and people walked or drove by either failing to notice the strange site of 2 girls and a guy on a roof, or noticing all to well. This particular nick of the roof was quite comfortable. We lay at a 30 degree angle with our feet meeting the side of the house. I inhibited my idea of jumping up and down on the roof above my housemate's room...
I wondered why I hadn’t done this sooner.
And I guess it was because I didn’t have anyone to do it with.
I’m one of those people who has the desires and balls (especially the testicles) to do a good many simple yet inpracticle things, as long as it’s with one good ally… Like running or dancing barefoot in the rain. It’s something I generally desire to do in any good rainstorm… but one can’t dance alone, at least not in the rain… unless one is truly and definitely alone. And so I learn to ignore the rain like sane people do.
After one such day of lamenting that there was no one to dance with me (and thinking about doing this post, but never writing it)… a friend called and told me to “Enjoy the rain”
Not a phrase you hear often… One normally does not appreciate the lack of sunshine, although I have always loved it. That simple phrase by my friend meant a lot more to me than I’m sure it did to him. But what made that phrase meaningful to me was he never intended for it to be meaningful… it was his natural thought.
I think the best things in life are things are coincidently coincided like that, when they do come along.
So yes, on a practical sense, I’ll I have to do is finish my thesis, stats class, jobs, and in exactly 2 weeks I’ll go to an old home that has ceased very much to be a current one… I’ll miss the rituals that have become so recently addictive… goofing off with my lab mates… Doing lots of talking during a movie over pizza and beer, and hanging out on rooftops.
I find myself looking back and not forwards as I get ready to turn 25… I'll try not to do it too much, but I have far more land mines to avoid in Ithaca rather than genuine things to look forward to.
Which brings me to my plan of being single for life. But that will be another post. =)
-Orriana
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