Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Scattered Closets, Emotion, and Binding Metaphor.

He claimed he didn't have any emotions.

“Oh” I said, perhaps taking him a little too seriously, and answering him a whisper. At least 20 percent of anything I said is bullshit unless I'm whispering. “Do you feel they are more muted than other people, or do you just keep them all in the closet”?

I don't remember him answering the question directly.

“I think they wouldn't be on hangers” he added. “They'd be all wrinkled at the bottom”.

“Aw.” I said at last a bit hopefully “You're being metaphorical”.

“No”.

He was in fact, just being funny.

“Why not let it be a metaphor? Is that somehow unmanly?”

“Er... probably high school english teachers” he replied caught in a corner, until he was freed by the fact that he was no longer speaking. He never explained what he meant by that, at least in so firm a fashion as I understood it. But it was a sleepy conversation after all.

But after work and a walk home, I got to thinking. Or more likely, I got to thinking about things and feelings things underneath them, and not letting them match up. I felt lonely, perhaps... or fearful, or anxiously happy, after distractions and responsibilities of the day had ceased. I doubt it would feel too differently had he been here, it would just delay it a while.... I'm feeling something, and as usual, I don't know what.

I like his accidental symbolism... or any symbolism I suppose. If he doesn't like it for himself it is fine, but I wonder how he could ever understand me if he haes it so much. I live in metaphor. All I feel is metaphor. If you asked me what it is... I could guess, but somehow, I'd rather talk about that closet full of wrinkly clothes. Somehow that much seperation makes it safe... a shirt that needs to be washed is one thing, a festering anguish is quite another. I cannot take myself serious long enough to ponder a change of schema, but I could tell myself I need to do a lot of spring cleaning...

It's all kinda tangled up with me, more than a closet full of wrinkly mystery garments. I could imagine someone like that. Maybe a frown or a smile or a word won't entirely match their surroundings, maybe they'd try to push something to the back that they'd like to think they never owned in the first place, and pull out something they forgot they bought when the sun was shining last year. Things like that... the metaphor could fit. As people go, a person with a messy closet of emotions would be in control, and aware, and all that good stuff.

But for me... I can't pull out one reason for feeling or the feeling itself without everything else tumbling out in the same amorphous heap. Perhaps I dress or express myself ok... not brilliant, not fitting, but ok. I dress and express the way everyone can tolerate, but underneath it all, I need another metaphor entirely...

But the amorphous tangle is me. I'm sure of it... sure as I am of anything. I'm used to it, and some other people are too... but I wish it was more than that.

It's never the people that know you who love you, those just end up as family, whether nongenetic or otherwise... or just fantastic or predictable mistakes at romance.

Right?



(cartoon from xkcd.com)

Sunday, July 6, 2008

I said, he said

So I said: "You know, you're the first guy I've dated in a very long time who doesn't think about the meaning of life as much as I do."

He replied with incredulity: "Where do you find these guys?"

Good question.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Oh but for chaos.

moved to other blog.. 3/25/09

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Holding Back

Holding Back
Holding Back.

Holding Back. - updated July 13 2008

Half sleeping
a languid hold on happiness
I trace infinity on your back.

Half fearing
but can fear coexist
with fits and starts of many throes
all averaged out to hope.

And there's no reason
No passionate defense
as you offer nothing to say.

It's half peaceful.
As I lie hear and wait
for you give me nothing to say.

Perhaps I could believe
Perhaps delete perhaps
for I heard myself give in before I sleep

Is she there behind the eyes
I only face sometimes
I don't feel the burden as I sleep

I do find you beautiful as you sleep
I can face believing as I sleep...

With a Sword

“There are just some words in the English language that are so watered down or varied in meaning that they aren't worth using, like 'love' or 'God'”. I remarked to S.
“It's not just English” he argued... “all languages are like that.”
“But they have different ambiguities” I said. “English needs more words for all we call love”.
“You don't need words for some things” I said.“But people mean so many things when they say love. How do I know that if someone isn't saying anything, they feel the same emotion I do?”
And to this S replied “There are some things one can only rightly express with a sword”.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Composers Don't Lie.

So I'm on the open road, moving from one not-so familiar place to another. Right now I'm alternating between listening to old cds I haven't listened to since high school or shortly thereafter, and thinking about the memories entangled up in lyrics that sound far more trite than they ever used to when I knew some of them by heart.
There's a lot of Christian rock cds in this little case... for that was the only type of music my parents approved of when I bought them, and I continued to buy such cds a few years afterwards as well. For most of these cds, the melodies and messages are at best censored, and at worst, weak, even ignorant. I cringe at the lyrics espousing a love for the lost and searching from a position of peace and security, a ladder down to hell. People never seem to sing them like they actually believe them.. (I saw a lot of Christian dance routines and multimedia presentations put to secular songs for this very reason in my day). Occasionally someone's poetry would lift up or delve down to something seemingly heartfelt, and it is generally the delving. They sing of failing God, struggling to hold onto faith, or they speak of a hole in their soul they desperately want to fill with that of the divine.
There's one cd in particular that kicks in the adrenaline. This one was a late addition to the collection, I had bought it off another American student I met in Malaysia who composed the songs herself on the piano and wrote her own lyrics. The compositions themselves I find vivid and moving... far more so than many of the other songs on these cds. You ever notice how you can pick out a Christian song after only a few seconds on the radio? I don't know most of these contemporary songs... but they sound well... Christian. I have my own thoughts on why that is, and it goes along with an urge to change the channel to something that sounds a lot less... fake.
This woman's composition was differently... until the lyrics kicked in. You could picture the piano describing the finality of death in a movie: a funeral at sunset or the wreckage of a storm. Yet the lyrics speak not of devastation, but of triumph. It's strikingly odd. She uses common words, and common if not banal metaphors​. She needed a thick skin to survive, the winter was long... but here comes God. Magically, everything is ok. She has joy, hope, and something to be thankful for.
I don't believe those words for a second. Composers don't lie.
In real life, she is an extremely empathetic woman who hinted to a very painful past. I know her only in bits and pieces despite living in the same house with her for about 8 or 9 months. She'd laugh all too loud and smile all too much, and denied with her words a romantic attraction that was broadcast nonverbally to everyone in the house. No one would have made such a big deal of it if it wasn't for that contradiction, I think. I'm not sure why people care about other people's love lives so much in the first place, at least when they don't turn out the way we like them too.
It was God's grace, she had told me, that she couldn't remember about 7 years of her life. She remembered bits and pieces,waking up under tables, strange bruises... a few things at school. But memories of that time were scattered and fuzzy, except that she had been very much abused. She told me she didn't want to remember... and she credited God for not being able to.
She sings humbly, fawningly, about lying at God's feet waiting for him to answer her repeated pleas. She had no where else to go... and she really wanted to just see his face... to get an answer. Would we be able to identify with this woman if it wasn't God in this chair? Why doesn't she get up? Why doesn't she take her problems to someone who will answer her, identify with her, stop ignoring her? Again she is abused... contentedly so, judging for the songs. Regardless, she admits, she has no where else to go but here. Praise God.
The the song tumbles on like a death scene in a movie... like the bird that sings at 3:30 AM awaiting the dawn. I believe every note of her music, and read behind every word. and I'd like to believe that in the next song, or the next... that dawn will come, and she will convince me that she has something to be joyful of. She never did. None of those cds did. I've met happy, fulfilled Christians with happy songs... but I also meet many more happy people who don't share their faith.
Six months ago I saw this composer. She was now married, and with a child. She had gained quite a bit of weight.... She''d laugh about doing her best to take off the “baby weight” with the third slice of lasagna or second slice of cake, and she'd smile bright as always... oblivious that people could see that people could observe a disconnect between word and action. I sat on her couch and talked with her briefly, maybe 45 minutes. She smiled when she told me she cared and it was so great to see me, and she proceeded to “love on me”. She smiled when she told me, with the authority of a bible teacher, that God's love justified eternal hell or genocide of non-Israelites in the Old Testament at God's command. She smiled when she asked incredulously, how I could believe in evolution on such little evidence. I allowed her to expound, and she couldn't... really. She asked questions that made it clear that she did not know what the scientific method was, (I think she asked if empiricism was the same as atheism, as well as a few things related to simpler scientific terminology, and I didn't know how to explain simply in a manner that didn't seem demeaning. Besides... scientific facts and faith are to me very different issues, and I only wanted to talk about one at a time. I could explain the theory of evolution, sure, just like I might be able to explain the theory of gravity or a mathematical law. But it had little to do with my feelings on ethics, or how I was doing in life. To her I was sad, I was fallen away from God, and thus I believed such silly things. She was an emotionally charged girl... her beliefs followed her convictions. My convictions are based on skeptical interpretations of my knowledge based on observation. She never got that no matter of her “love” would convince me that the bible was literally true, or even if facts are ignored completely, even describes a God whose ethics or personality could be described as unconditionally loving or virtuous.
I am angry when I think of people like her. I am not angry at her directly... for like anyone else capable of doing the greatest wrong, she is largely oblivious. She is a very hurt person.. who believes so strongly in something that she has refused to allow it to be questioned or examined logically for holes or contradictions. She lays beliefs about facts to a peaceful emotional feeling, for she feels her emotional hunger for God has been quenched.
The songs are full of this need for love, understanding, clarity peace. They tell me only God is trustworthy, and only God can fill these things, when every other song they look for this God and describe his absence in their lives. They blame themselves, inevitably... he was right where they left him, and they must have did something evil to drive them away. The quenching of human need, I agree with them, is sacred. I cannot talk someone out of an emotional feeling of awe... and I'd never want to take that away from anyone. But what they do not realize is that this feeling may be experienced by people of different faiths... or of people of no faiths at all. That feeling of spiritual aew is certainly not connected to hell, or genocide.... or an ancient translations of text.
Part of me wants to hold this woman and and let her cry... for I feel her pain very vividly through her music as I go down this highway, and think of her, yet I fear that all I will ever see of her is that facetious smile. I empathize with her, but will never reduce her to someone pitiable. I don't have answers for her, or a magic fix. I have no reason to believe there even is such a thing. I would not presume to be a missionary of agnosticism, but only a friend... If she can smile at me in such a way as I believe it, I will never wish to take that away from her, I will only want to share it.

My Vicious Cycle of Fucktarded Fluff.

I wrote this poem a few month ago-ish. It's safe to post it now I suppose, because I hate the state of mind it describes. It, like all things, is worth me remembering, and examining: just hopefully not reliving. It will be easier someday. Right now I am sitting in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of stuff in a backpack. As suck, I have a lot to write about, a lot to think about... and a lot of the mental clutter has been tossed away, or at least left at home.

Goddammit. If I ever try the vicious cycle again... (and if you know me, you know what I mean): shoot me. Twice. Or just stab me. I will personally loan you the sword. Hell, you can even keep it when you are done. Just specify if you want the WWI bayonet, the Indian ornamental ones... the throwing knife...


Passion

I walk on by when I fear you most
I've heard that voice before
The constancy, the uncertainty
I've heard that voice.
It told me many things in whispers
through still cool mornings and scattered frames
until suddenly with stiff brightness
I listened and heard nothing,

But here we are again.
Where that voice is still sweet,
and only here and now I can't rebuke it
when I'm trying not to hear you.
For fuck's sake not to love you
Not to let this words pour out even to myself
For I know this place
And it knows my weakness, holding.
words and salt but never anything worthwhile

Never you, but always me
You always with the smiles and the small talk
And me with the fountain of memory
of everything except
the marvel and the mayhem
Of laughing and loving and chaos on the road
of the still peace that held me steady
there... that still and steady blaze
you with those eyes so loving...
for today.
But only for today.

Bearing through me now, You whisper
For now... despite what I shudder
And my words to the contrary
And I love you
And to love you when the sun comes.
I'll move my feet again.
and wind up following the rays the whole world round

Bearing through me now, the whisper
And I walk, but I'm not moving
You can run, but you have held me.
Because you are all I know of passion
and all I know of home.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

more on this later.

The past is gone but something might be found to take its place.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Roadtrip.


I just sent this out in email form... but here it is.

So If you haven't heard this already, I have, as Colin would say... a modest proposal:

Part 1 - Organize a roadtrip to a certain place in Southern Ohio.

Part 2. Organize the mass wearing of Flying Spagetti Monsterism T-Shirts.

Part 3. Go to the Creation Museum, wearing said T-Shirts.

Part 4. See that exhibit of Eve wearing a dress in the garden of Eden while petting a velociraptor, next to a sign that says "6-8000 years ago".

Part 5. Take comfort that no matter how much my admission ticket cost, it will not buy the organizers of this museum any hard evidence to back their position.

Part 6. Take lots of pictures, and be prepared to be kicked out for being caught giggling too much. (I don't plan on actually creating a disturbance or wearing a profane t-shirt to actively piss anyone off... ahem... Jesse".

Part 7 - Go camping with fellow roadtrippers, and bring them Yuengling.

This would be happening sometime between the end of May and the 6th of Jun. I'm all open for within this timeframe. If you feel as passionate about the silliness of young earth creationism as much as I do (Especially you Jenn... I know you do) please let me know, and I'll hash out the details with any of you who think they might have a day or two to kill in early June.

The museum is 4 hours south of Ann Arbor., and a little over 9 from Ithaca. Here's the mapquest link if you are elsewhere. http://www.google.com/maps/ms?ie=UTF8&hl=en&msa=0&msid=107108410469912920727.0000011270f8c8553e240&om=1&ll=39.055984,-84.669571&spn=0.259935,0.431213&z=12


Let me know guys!
-Orri

Reasons.

“I don't understand what you see in him” said my friend the Stoic, with a sigh.

The Stoic (as I will call him in this writing) is one of the few people I'd go to with my troubles... especially the illogical kind, for he'd find those most entertaining. He was never swayed by emotion, and he was great at both seeing through bullshit, and giving it back.

“Well,” I told him with a shudder of held back tears, “There was a time I was crying into his shoulder, and offering to give him a kidney if he ever needed one. He made some comment about how efficiently the kidney would be able to filter through blood with a high glucose content in the blood. I don't remember what he said, but I do remember that I stood there trying to remember how the loop of Henle worked, and I forgot to be sad. “

“I see”, he said, though it was clear from his tone that he didn't.

“So yes, It's reason like that I suppose.”

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Half-demon Fight Scenes...

A bit of writing on an old project. All you need to know to follow this segment is that sedo is a mortal race of people, and that the sedo feel that the immortal Shiiten-sa are demons.

Otherwise I've been working with this overarching story line since I've been 17, so just think back to anything else you might have seen or heard from me that was Oria related.

Updated 3/25/09
__________________________________________

The air was clear, and the demon was silent. So Faruhar began running.
The town gave itself over to the tree line within seconds, and then she was running steadily through the forest, a smile on her face.
She jogged on, one minute, five, fifteen.  Her legs propelled her forward of their own accord. Her mind only busy enough to keep her away from human settlement.
The sky changed from gray to white to blue between the blurred branches. When darkness came, she closed her eyes, and she kept moving: instinct guiding every muscle. She dodged trees, and her other senses began to sharpen. She could sense the presence of life easier now. She felt she could go on for years like this; perhaps she has done so before.
Her mind began to wander, and she let the demon take reign of her mind. Sense of time became blurred. Perhaps she hunted, perhaps she slept, but mostly she kept moving. The air was clear when she ran.
She just wanted freedom: to be worn down, to find herself panting at her limit, hungry and tired. It didn’t happen often. She craved it, just as she craved remembering the day before. She was tired of today and it never changed.
She watched herself as an observer. Emotions shifted with every rush of hormone, ray of sunlight and breath of air. The mortal part of her mind was so quick to forget it's own contradictions. She was her own prey, eating her own dark emotions and reseating them with digested apathy. The Shiitensa filled her lungs for days, possibly weeks until she sensed a destination to the movement of her feet. No, not a destination: a man.
The leaves cracked under her as she approached a tree line. a horizon. a cliff beneath her, air under her. she slid down and grabbed a branch, twisting down to the next. She came down quickly, and smiling, rolling and grinding down to a river beneath her.
He stood a few feet away, in front of the river. She expected to surprise him, but he was looking up as if he expected her. His presence still seemed masked but not with a signature she recognized. She wasn't even sure it was magical. Was he mortal? He wasn't demon, at least like any she knew. He wasn't like Reic. His skin was pale as his hair golden, but not surreally so. He was mortal... and a little of something else.
She said nothing, but just stared him down with the yellow-green demon unsuppressed in her gaze. She stood tall, and moved closer, close enough for him to feel her breath on his face as she exhaled a strangely slow, unnatural breath. Though the wind tosses his blond curls around him, his muscles remained fixed.
She could intimidate most other men and women, not this one. She sensed no fear, at least no more than a hint of it, but one well within his control. He said nothing as well. A smile crept along the edge of his mouth as he looked her over. Mostly he just held out his curiosity, the usual hatred, although in a very small dose, and stranger yet… peace… recognition even. He knew her, or at the very least, he thought he knew what she was.
Good thing he was alone.
He smiled and spoke quietly. “Would you draw your sword?”
How strange his voice was. His request was made as if he had just asked a friend to join him for a hot meal and conversation. The meter of his voice was so human, but the implication unearthly.
. He carried no weapon. But whoever or whatever he was, she did not take him for a fool, at least not the usual sort.
She felt the weight of a bag, and she slide it from her back and tossed it to the base of a tree. She took her sword, turned it, and handed him the blade.
“I don't want you to surrender” he said.
“I'm not” she said.
He didn't take the weapon, so she dropped it and stood back. A knife dropped from her belt in one fluid movement.
“That is not your sword.” He protested.
  “A knife is too much already, and only acceptable if you know how to use the weapon you request of me.” She nodded to his empty hands.
He shook his head: “I have no need of it. I’d ask that you would honor me with a weapon nonetheless.”
  She shook her head politely and took a step back. “Respect is earned, not granted”. She moved to resheath her knife, but in the snap of a twig, he was upon her, knocking the knife from the hilt. The knife was in the air and headed down towards her as he kicked her squarely back.
He made contact. She couldn't help but be intrigued.
She fell back on her heel and propelled herself forward again, and grabbed it the knife in the air and kept it from it's target, holding it between them. He gave her room to do so, expecting her move and trying to block it.
She was too fast, but just barely. He had just earned her respect.
“Draw your knife then” she breathed. “I can smell it”.
He eyed her suspiciously. She kept her distance as he reached down to his boot, and unsheathed a knife. She gave him a nod, he returned it, and then she attacked.
She tried to read him but found it much more difficult than usual. He neither relished her fear nor gave her his own, and nothing on his correlated with or anticipated his movements. He would block, turn, in the direction that made sense. He would punch or kick when she gave him flirtations of open flesh. But there would always be a twist of unexpected.
She was loving this.
He fought with his own power, and it was beautifully strong, but limited. She guarded the force of her attacks, and felt him out… slowly at first, but although panting, he could keep up to an inhuman degree. Strength wasn't what made his fighting style so perplexing, although he had that potential.
He just wasn't used to meeting his match.
He read her every impulse, blocking or catching ever punch or swipe, twisting away from every kick, and his face never gave up it's challenge.
She wondered if she had done him a disservice by asking him to hold a knife. He used the knife to block as often as he swiped, leading with punches and kicks. She wasn't even sure which hand was dominant. He rolled and twisted and used every chance to use the sticks and stones around him. He seemed to know their exact location, their weight, their feel as if they were old toys, throwing each into the soft parts of her body as if he had memorized their trajectory. His limbs drove into her with every turn. The riverbed was thick with dust.
He coughed. She saw her final few moves as his movements began to tire and his blocks began to weaken. She kicked him back and he stumbled into a tree, but rebounded fully, propelled from it and kicking with one knee bent and knife forward.
 She twisted to the side and let him graze down besides her… leaving herself exposed and wobbling to lure him in. He tried to grab her, but she was in control, She had his arms up and the knives in her shoes grazed down on his shins until the outward force of her heel extended to the side of his knee.
He hadn't seen it coming until she heard the crack of bone.
He tried to fall out of the way, and she smiled despite herself. His shoulder cracking out of joint as he fell and held him against her body, her knife to his throat.
His eyes were steady, too steady. He felt the pain, but made no sound. His arms quivered and twitched to her pressure, his face grew strained,his breath was labored, but only from the momentary pain, no pain ran deeper. He was a man without regrets, perhaps a man long defeated. His inappropriate smile returned. He was prepared to die.
“I’m not going to kill you” she affirmed gently as she could, feeling his heart beat quickly beneath her blade.
“I believe you” He exhaled. “But I want you to change your mind”
He was a strange man indeed. She released the knife from his throat and the arms from his shoulder… slowly… she felt him wince when she released his shoulder, popping it back into joint.
He groaned. Not for the shoulder, though. He groaned when she let him go. He was bleeding, but not seriously. He sat back down against the tree with ragged breaths . His wounds were not mortal... yet.
She stood up and walked away without a word. His eyes followed her, unprotesting… even trusting. She felt the weight of it as she scrambled toward her pack.
She rummaged through it, tossing clothing and jars on the ground in haste to reach the bottom. She pulled out several sacks of herbs, smelling a few through the cloth till she found the one she wanted. She pulled an old shirt from the pile, tearing it in strips as she walked back to him.
She looked him in the eye. “I'm going to build a fire, then I'm going to see to your wounds.”
“That’s... entirely unnecessary”. He eyed her suspiciously.
“Why? You are no enemy of mine, regardless of what you might think.” Faruhar gathered twigs as she spoke, hastily pulling materials for a fire.
“I have no enemies” he said. “And no friends. I just don’t care”.
“Then why challenge me?” she said without looking up.
  He spoke deliberately: “Your a demon. I should, shouldn't I?.”
She stopped in mid-action to meet his words with her eyes, but offered him nothing. He was so empty of emotion, she was surprised he was not dead.
“Am I your death wish, Sedo-ka?”
“In lieu of something better.” He said, without a second's hesitation. “But I suppose you plan to keep me alive for a while to live off, well... pain or blood or whatever it is you feed off.”
She chuckled. “You don't know?” she didn't expect that. It was true that his emptiness was very nourishing to her demon, she never met someone like that before. It shouldn't make sense. She did not want to risk dwelling on it, but it was quite strong.... incredibly strong. Already her scratches and wounds were visibly closing themselves, and her face taking on a rosy glow of a good night's sleep. She shook her head, and tossed him the rest of the ripped shirt.
“Tend to the bleeding on your knee with your good hand”.
The man didn't move, so she did it herself. Tying a knot tightly above the point of bleeding.
She then began to gather wood, keeping his heat in her demon's mind.
She wondered what his life must have been like before then. She found herself empathizing with him, but she showed no sign of it.
But then again, perhaps this was a trap. Perhaps the Shiiten knew she would pity the man, they had sent him. It would be a very strange trap... the man seemed genuine enough, and she sensed neither man nor demon nearby. Besides, if this man could recognize a Shiiten (or at least a half-breed), it would be hard for him to be used by them.
She found herself thinking that if this was indeed a trap, it would be a fun one to fall for.
He was still breathing when she started the fire. He rested his head on the tree with his eyes closed. She gathered water from the stream, and sat with him as it started to boil. He ignored her.
She added herbs boil in a pot from her bag. She strained the leaves into a cup with the ripped part of her shirt, retaining the wet leaves into the fabric. She rubbed it together, staining the shirt and grinding the leaves to open up their medicine. She brought the cup to the man.
“What is your name?” she said, testing the heat of the liquid with her finger.
“Jesse” he said, watching her in a haze. “I suppose it's polite to ask yours”
“It's Faruhar” she said, passing him the cup. “Now drink this, it’s bitter, but it will dull the pain”.
He nodded, still a bit confused, confused those his knowledge of Shiiten might be, he did deduce correct that it was very odd indeed for a Shiiten to be in possession of painkillers. He tensed as she moved behind him and tore off the rest of the shirt with her knife.
He was covered in bruises and cuts. She wasn't aware she had hurt him so much.
“Damn” she said.
“Like what you see?” he murmured and winked.
“No, I mean... I thought I had been more careful. I'm sorry”
“Careful?” he said.
“Come to the fire. You're shivering” she said.
“I'm angry. I asked you to fight me. Why were you being... careful?” Jesse said.
“Let me help you to the fire” she said. She picked up most of his weight, and he hobbled to the river bank. She laid him down by the fire, and began poultricing his wounds.
“Faruhar is an odd name for a Shiitensa.” He replied. “But then again, you are a very odd Shiiten to begin with.”
She chuckled. “I'm not sure I am Shiiten, or at least not completely.”
His eyes grew wide. For the first time, she sensed fear… although distant… misplaced. It wasn’t her she was afraid of, perhaps the idea of her was enough. She thought she was passed being sad at this reaction, it was so automatic from one of his kind. But she did find she was disappointed... somehow. She almost never felt she wanted to earn someone's respect, but she wouldn't mind his.
“I didn't know there could be such a thing as half-breeds”
She ignored his statement and focused at his broken knee. She would have to sew his skin back together somehow, and the wound underneath was still dirty. Even if she cleaned it as best she could, she would still have to close it. Tomorrow he'd have a fever, and his leg would swell... perhaps start to decay. She shuddered at this thought.
“I need to get you help” she pleaded. “Where can I find your people?” she couldn't smell anything from here. She knew it wouldn't be close.
“I told you, I have no friends.” he eyed her carefully.
“You need more than a friend, You need a healer; a good one”.
“Whose side are you on half-breed?” he rasped.
“My own, which is apparently the same as yours. But it's easier for you to make friends”
He said nothing to that. She knew he was fighting to stay awake, the herbs would make him very drowsy, especially at the dose she gave him. Her mind raced with ugly possibilities. She wasn't sure how strongly she had felt this before, but she couldn't let him die.
Faruhar went to gather water to clean and sew his other wounds. He was asleep while he dressed them. When she had finished, night had fallen, and he was still asleep. He would be hungry in the morning. She would have to risk hunting even though he might try to leave. At least he couldn't get far.
******************************************************
She returned late in the night with a gutted rabbit over her shoulder. She looked over his wounds, a few bandages would need changing, so she stoked the fire and boiled the ripped parts of the t-shirt. His heartbeat was faster than it should be. She next cooked some more herbs.
At some point he turned in his sleep on his leg and swore.
“The herbs are almost ready.” she sat down beside him.
He said nothing until an empty cup was in his hand an hour later.
“I'm sorry Faruhar” he whispered “And thank you for what you've done. But It still think it would be best if you left me here in morning”.
“You’d die.” She stated.
“Not necessarily But I wouldn’t want to obligate you” he replied.
“No, I assure you” she nodded “You would die. You might anyways”
Jessed nodded. “ I have no money to repay you, and have nothing else to offer you for your help. I don't want to be a burden to anyone.”
“And what if I have neither obligations nor need for money?” she smiled, gathering her her few scattered belongings into her bag. She had already noted hours earlier what would and would not be sufficient for two.
“You were going somewhere when I found you, and quickly” he said.
“Not at all. I do nothing quickly... or slowly. Time is not precious to me, I scarcely understand it. I can't even feel it passing unless I have something to concentrate on, something to live for.”
“So I could help you then?” he said.
“Yes. I suppose so.” she whispered.
“I was running away I think, just getting lost” Jesse said.
She nodded. “I was heading that way myself”.
He laughed. “Following a half-breed around might make for a very unique experience. What if I chose to follow you around my entire life?”
She didn't know if it was the herbs talking or not, but she smiled.
“As I said, Jesse” she smiled “A little while”.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Michigan

Going back to home of the last couple of years or so, I did a lot of talking and thinking about the meaning of life, and a little of other things important things like enjoying a night of whiskey coke and flirting. There was a steady and orderly rhythm to it, perhaps only in my mind... I saw all the people I really wanted to see and had just enough time to share and receive exactly what I needed to. And it all flowed together to a destination. I left quite refreshed.

Chris and Jenn picked me up and made me laugh. Chris had just gotten a new job, and Jenn was a lot more relaxed than when I had seen her last semester. Somehow big tangles in my head became little laughs when I shared them, because this is a magical skill that good friends have. I started to feel at home… and for the first time since going back to Ithaca and being primarily called by my old name, I felt more like myself.

I met with an old professor, who was another Cornell grad student back in her day. To my surprise, she wasn’t so interested in what I had learned or the small talk that I was willing to share, but me. She saw me and my career to be not separate, as it in my own mind… but more as clothing that would at some point fit me quite well the moment I got it on.

“I’m glad to see you have gained confidence.”

“Huh”? I replied. “Dr Delprato used to always make fun of me for being cocky”. I was in fact, quite hurt that he couldn’t make it to see me when I dropped by. Back then, I didn’t know if I could make it to grad school at all, let alone a good one. My ex told me he didn’t think I could do it… and I did think I might end up getting a masters degree at EMU before going anywhere else. But I faked it… and I often felt I knew more, or mostly just cared more about my career than many of the people around me in my classes.

“I’m sure he was being sarcastic. That was the one area I thought you had to develop…” and she talked of conversations and events to fit her point.

Little did she know that I felt very inconfident and uninspired at Cornell… Mostly do to personal reasons during the last semester that had nothing to do with my career. The information and people I was exposed to thus far were quite inspiring. But something was still missing in my head.. or my heart. My heart is yet to be fully in my work as it is when I write. My old professor gave me a hug when I left, and somehow I did feel confident when I left. I hoped it with my lab.

I talked with Doug and Justin for hours.

“There is one particular professor at Cornell who is smarter than God.” I told them. “She assigns me essays asking me to solve the brain or explain human nature… and the stack of papers I had to read for her class was almost a foot high”.

Doug and Justin nodded. The standards of Eastern were a lot lower, and we were quite aware of the fact that it took us all a little longer to feel “ready” for grad school. We were all quite appreciative of the mentorship of my former advisor in that preparation.

“One of the essays assigned to me asked me to give examples against the common sense view that we are aware of our brain’s actions. Somehow the placebo effect works if we are successfully deceived. People confabulate when their brain fails to get the correct input from somewhere. There’s plenty of evidence that goes against the idea that we are aware of our perceptions, our emotions, even our own volition.”

I continued. “Most people can’t live without free will or the idea they are aware… I think it went beyond “common sense” as my professor worded it. Many religions starts with higher consciousness or awareness as the defining soul of humanity. And science tells me I am neither so noble nor divine.”

Neither of my labmates had any strong religious conviction… at least not anymore. Doug used to. I used to. But science makes us comfortable with uncertainty and very uncomfortable with faith in the unseen…. Especially faith despite the seen.

“But herein lies the problem. The happiest people I know are the ones who believe the most in higher consciousness, in free will, in God. The more fundamentally they believe these things, the happier they seem to be. I saw this professor I admired very much in a restaurant once. From what I knew, she should be very happy. She has a successful career, she has hobbies, she travels, and she has a husband and children. But she sat alone in a buffet restaurant, and she looked very sad. After she paid the check, she sat there… listened to an ipod… took a deep breaths. It was as if she didn’t have anything to come home to. I never want to be like that”

Doug and Justin could relate. The happiest people Justin knew were quite Catholic. Doug… well, I knew he was more passionate when his beliefs were a bit different. Justin was never raised particularly religious… and he’s never came across particularly passionate to me in regards to happiness or unhappiness. Doug on the other hand, I can imagine being both extremes.

“Well it’s about making your self happy.” Doug said, “The religious life is fulfilling because that is what those people want to believe”. Doug said… or something along those lines.

I wasn’t expecting such an answer from Doug. He was quite driven, and at the moment, quite overworked. He also didn’t seem to sleep more than a couple hours a night lately. But he was very unselfish, and had very deep values. Most people who I’ve heard the “ do whatever makes you happy” line from are a bit more selfish or simple than Doug. Most people are. But this particular mystery, I don’t think Doug had solved yet. He didn’t really claim to. He just doesn’t know… and that was what further conversation yielded.

“I’m not so sure my brain knows what will make me happy.” I told him. “If it does, it doesn’t have the logic to speak it.

I went out to dinner with them and Doug’s girlfriend. Doug drove me home. I don’t remember what, if anything was said that night, but I did dream of being both safe and confident… though not in control. Doug drove me home throughout my dreams while I sat (strangely enough) in the back seat. I knew I was going home in this dream and it didn’t matter how, and it didn’t even matter that I was in the backseat… for I felt quite safe with my friend.

I like a lot of the metaphor in that dream… For me. It didn’t boil down to doing what made me happy, I know I don’t quite know what to do. I don’t need to conscious control my own state. I know myself, and yet I don’t. It’s this striving… it’s this divinity, that humanity may worship, and for good reason. It may not be fully attainable. I don’t need to feel certain or in charge of my life. I don’t need to know the nature of the afterlife or believe in it. I just have to wonder… I need the mystery of seeing something that is as of yet, unexplained. And as far as my personal interplay with that mystery is concerned, I need a landmark to tell me where I am going, and people to walk it with.

I saw this in Roberto and Lauren when I spent the weekend with them. Somehow the two of them seem to have cracked the magic formula of happiness. Their apartment was very small, as was their budget when I got there… Roberto was about to start school and between jobs and Lauren was investing heavily in her art. It was their humble and loving life I wanted very much. They were doing all they could, they liked where they were going and who with. They let that be enough, and the world be beautiful.

And then I went to Idaho… of which the journey follows another theme, and will be put into another post.