(NOTE - I MODIFIED THIS POEM 11/13/07)
Damn creative urges.
Maybe once I post this bit of poetry I'll be able to concentrate on the other kind of nerdy writing. Unfortunately it definitely calls on different parts of me to write about experiencing episodic memories and writing about the science behind them.
Life is good, Although I'm not as hardworking/motivated as I feel should be.
But here's a poem I've been toying with on and off for the last couple weeks:
Walking Home.
The wind was cool I breathed you in,
You felt cold but the sun shined when I loved
From Halloween to Christmas memories shine
In lights outside and heat within
And you were there to share it
I ran away, you found me out
And made me a believer
What we sought was simple,
It was who we were apart.
I just kept walking with you.
From Halloween to Christmas
Through falling leaves and wood smoke
Lights upon the snow…
It’s so strange…
How you had fought for this
Squandered your words
On my understanding
You made me a believer
When you did not believe
And it’s still strange
Time and time upon the images
That should be fading fast
But you’re still missing
When I smell the falling leaves
and I’m walking home alone.
It’s not news for me to be let down
If there was a way I’d take my fall
before you pushed
I’d take your blame and then the motive
I take a stand upon the trail
As if anyone would notice
that I missed the beat
Of one foot to follow the other
But I’m not inclined
To feel I’m walking home
I’m still here, but I’ll keep moving
I’m still here and I’ll go home.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Monday, October 8, 2007
Distracted
The problem with trying to read without listening to music is there is too much to think about, and when the words aren’t as clear and interesting and fascinating as the other things cluttering my head… I find myself distracted. Right now I’m reading up on the neuroscience of vision… or trying to. Thoughts of Myanmar, of service work I wish I had time for, of needing pizza and beer with friends who no longer live in state, of men in general sucking… of death (not mine… a friend’s boyfriend). Mostly thoughts stemming from that suicide really… of empathizing for the people involved, of being mad of the people not capable of empathizing with someone who the world crushed like only reality can…
Grr. People are bastards… And somehow it’s always the ones who pride themselves on their empathy or morality that end up being not so empathetic or moral. I need to hang out with more people who introduce themselves as hell-bound in a handbasket-style bastards. But I really do believe it’s takes someone who knows what pain feels like to empathize it… and that means there’s a lot going on in the world that a lot of people really can’t empathize. It makes me angry to watch people close their eyes and turn their mind to happier things, because so much human pain is preventable... fixable. Ignorance, especially the ignorance we choose, does a shitload of damage.
The problem with listening to music to help one concentrate is all the songs is that too many songs are about love and longing, and I am too angry and pessimistic when it comes to thoughts right now find those songs relaxing.
As I get older, I get more and more used to the ideas that most people do when they get older. I stop dating people for wanting to direct the next Donny Darko, and start looking for the things that are long-term material. At this stage I’ve figured my life out I know what I want… and it’s not really out there. At least if empathetic mature, secular-monk scientist types exist at Cornell, I’m too busy to find them. Most people my age here are also Cornell grad students, which mean they should have their nose in a book en route to making their career a reality, and most people here chose that life because it’s fulfilling. And it is for me, as long as what I do outside of it involved helping others, and as long as I find myself amid deep relationships: being able to give and receive. I imagine people like me are extremely busy…
Especially when I find myself disappointed/mad at the best friend I have out here.
Perhaps I wouldn’t be so busy if I wasn’t so distracted and/or lonely. But to fix the lonely problem before getting to this stack of papers wouldn’t really help me that much either.
Grr. People are bastards… And somehow it’s always the ones who pride themselves on their empathy or morality that end up being not so empathetic or moral. I need to hang out with more people who introduce themselves as hell-bound in a handbasket-style bastards. But I really do believe it’s takes someone who knows what pain feels like to empathize it… and that means there’s a lot going on in the world that a lot of people really can’t empathize. It makes me angry to watch people close their eyes and turn their mind to happier things, because so much human pain is preventable... fixable. Ignorance, especially the ignorance we choose, does a shitload of damage.
The problem with listening to music to help one concentrate is all the songs is that too many songs are about love and longing, and I am too angry and pessimistic when it comes to thoughts right now find those songs relaxing.
As I get older, I get more and more used to the ideas that most people do when they get older. I stop dating people for wanting to direct the next Donny Darko, and start looking for the things that are long-term material. At this stage I’ve figured my life out I know what I want… and it’s not really out there. At least if empathetic mature, secular-monk scientist types exist at Cornell, I’m too busy to find them. Most people my age here are also Cornell grad students, which mean they should have their nose in a book en route to making their career a reality, and most people here chose that life because it’s fulfilling. And it is for me, as long as what I do outside of it involved helping others, and as long as I find myself amid deep relationships: being able to give and receive. I imagine people like me are extremely busy…
Especially when I find myself disappointed/mad at the best friend I have out here.
Perhaps I wouldn’t be so busy if I wasn’t so distracted and/or lonely. But to fix the lonely problem before getting to this stack of papers wouldn’t really help me that much either.
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