Reinventing and Moving Forward

So last semester was one of the darkest periods of my life, and I'm glad to say it's over. Within a week of Mark and I breaking up after two years and many empty promises: he was dating someone else, within two weeks he was spending the night at her place, and by Christmas he was converting to Judaism and was only allowed to wear the clothes she picked out. I predict that by summer for him to realize this was a bad idea, but currently my long-term predictions for his happiness are rather bleak. I hope he proves me wrong. Loosing a loved one is tough- but the way things went led me to realize I never had love in return to begin with... that and realizing your loved one is a freakin' idiot. He didn't mean to hurt me, I'm just convinced even the best people are rather fickle and forgetful by nature... especially people who appear to be happy all the time. They make me increasingly nervous.

So after an email to Mark in which the phrase "soulless bastard" was repeated a half dozen times and cutting him out of my life, I tried to put this behind me and scrambled to find new grad schools to apply to being that originally I was hoping to land as close as possible to Ithaca NY. Being that the acceptance ratios for these schools are between 5-20 percent, I applied to 12, and had my aunt cosign a loan with me to afford over a thousand dollars in fees, transcripts and GRE scores. It was a bad time to be depressed: I really didn't have time to be. I don't think I've ever spent so long without anything to wake up for in the morning... There's a lot of stessors and worries I have a very high tolerance for - this wasn't it. I lost a great deal of faith in both God and people, and I'm not completely sure if I'll ever get it back. Some wounds just don't heal - especially in adulthood. Who I was when I met Mark and what I wanted then really haven't changed from this experience. I read over the initial conversations I had with him online : I would have given the same answers, and fell for the same lies.

I forced myself to function each day only because of obligations to other people, and those people gave me another 24 hours of breath at a time. I functioned at at the bare minimum. I missed classes, my grades began to slip.. and other things began to go wrong (laptops and cell phones stolen... I'm pretty forgetful to begin with and get even more so with things on my mind). Worst of all I stopped caring about everything. I kept counting down to Christmas when classes ended I could exchange things with Mark and cut him out of my life and grad school applications would be over. Honestly I wished everything would be over. I could live without a lot of things... I could handle life being drastically cruel, but Idon't think I was ever made to function alone. People who are cut out of my life can never be replaced... the one I fell in love with, well... I think I'll only have one.

I love my family and friends. I have some very good ones. Over Christmas break when I spent time with mutual friends of Mark and I and had to start planning what to say and how to say it... Ivy would call me at read me Anne LaMott until 3 in the morning to cheer me up, my dad helped me out financially - and we swapped cars so I could have something to drive to the airport for grad interviews this semester. I started (casually and fearfully) dating a guy named Roberto, mainly because he knows about descented skunks and actually could relate to me spiritually and honestly (unlike Mark). Mark and I were very different people - Roberto is me with a y chromosome (we even have the same birthday - it's quite creepy). I still haven't fallen in love with the male version of me, and I'm not certain if I'm capaple of it or not. Being that he is like me, I have the potential to hurt him every bit that Mark hurt me, and am trying not to do so as much as possible. I'm not certain of my future or my own emotional capabilities but at least I have a very good friend regardless and will try to keep it that way in any case. Roberto knows what he's getting into, we'd be friends regardless. I guess that's good enough.

Since then life has looked up considerably. I talked to Mark over break and said my goodbyes - Due to some advice and some good talks with my cousin Seth, I was in the frame of mind to say the right things. I wasn't angry. I wasn't bitter... I was honest. He saw I loved him, he saw he hurt me... and well, I made him cry. That never happened before. It was nice to know I got through to him without him shutting down.

I'm interviewing at 9 schools , thus far I've went to one interview but got rejected, but there's 8 to go. To make life more interesting, the most respected possible advisor at the best school whose research I find the most fantastically amazing is at Cornell. I'm interviewing there, but I'm still debating whether this would make for a very awkward year or two as Mark and his new girlfriend are also at Cornell...

Then there's Roberto. He was planning to move out of town to find a new job in video editing about now, but is sticking around for me. He's also strongly considering following me when I get to grad school, providing I go to a city where he can find a job and/or go back to school himself. Ithaca is one of the few places I'm applying to where he COULDN'T find a job...

But yes, grades have improved, loan money has went through and hopefully by September I'll be getting out of debt rather than into more of it.

In a perfect world... I'll be at one of the top ten programs in Behavioral Neuroscience. I'll be able to afford my own place without annoying housemates, although nice ones are cool. I'll live near trees and have a garden... I'll be able to have a pet. I'll have a day off a week and a good friend or two around the area. I won't think about my ex much, or if I do that shuddering feeling of loss and hurt won't be there anymore. That's all I want...