When It's too late to jump from a higher place

This is following up on my last post... a bit of freewriting I wrote almost a month ago... It's still just as valid now as it was then. And now I officially and truly promise not to post about unrequited love... Really...

When it's too late to jump from a higher place.

He would say something vague, feeling I'd catch the meaning and miss the motive. Beyond those words he'd feel very misunderstood. I would feel the same. We would stare at each other between quiet moments of down at our feet. We would change the subject, and find a deep breath was all it took to bring it back again.

He'd want to tell me he's not really the sum of his actions – least of all the most recent, which were rather impressive. “I'm just a guy”. He'd want to say... “You'd always see more than that, or you'd always see less.”

He'd expect me to be disappointed. He'd expect me to disappoint him. He would not really expect I could get past his guarded facade any faster than he has been cautiously stripping it away.. but not fast enough. I should be sure, the bulk of that guarded exterior would always remain in place. He the peaceful and responsible one, quiet yet comfortable in the corner. I the foil who just met him in the middle a few times to tell a few jokes: crass and passionate, large and loud.

I would want to tell him that it was not like that at all: That somewhere in a safer place was a side of me sitting quiet and focused.... facing forward with self-control, but just a little too cold to move. That this part of me stirred awake when I met him... She got up, she looked for ways in or ways out... it's hard to say who imprisoned whom. In any case she was now struggling for room in an otherwise crowded life and brain. The parts of me which aligned with him were very difficult to communicate. Although it was what made me who I am... I've lost that language.

I'd want to communicate that I loved him within 5 minutes of meeting him, that I was not still deciding whether he was worth loving. I knew that from the beginning and perhaps a bit before... now I am just figuring out why... and that's a dynamic process. It wouldn't have to be romantic... It wouldn't have to be anything... or perhaps that was just my logic talking. Nothing I felt about him was all that logical, except he didn't need this complication right now. I shouldn't have spoken.

He could never feel the same. Responsibility would overrule, or at least that's what he'll say it is. He'd consider others feelings, convenience... logic.. and he'd do "the right thing", and I will do the same – except in my case I'll wonder if the responsible thing was really the same as the "right" thing. Perhaps, although all I seemed to have was bad timing... it would have been enough. I guess his words, actions, and emotions are not quite as far apart or conflicting as mine.

The truth is my facade is thicker, my motives more blurry, my core so well protected it's getting just a little rusty and useless. I've never had strong feelings for someone who could see beyond my stronger pretenses, even when I took them down. He'll feel the same way... she of all people would never understand.

We'll shrug it off, we'll walk away. Next time we talk it will be about the simple and the trivial: work and school amid misplaced laughs. And then soon afterward I'll leave town. Emails will be infrequent and simple: there will be nothing more in common, and nothing more to say. From the moment he turns around, everything will break...

It will be as if I never talked to him again.

Looking for Home

“Hey Colin…” I said
“Huh?” he replied turning the music down a bit.
I was sitting on the couch; Colin was behind me in his office chair on the computer. This was yet another day when I stopped by to grab dinner and/or watch a quick episode of anime. I should be studying… I should be doing a lot of things… But…
“I want to go home…”
“Then go.” Colin interjected.
“… but I’m not sure where home is. You ever feel like that?”
Colin thought for a second. “Yeah… I have” and beyond that there wasn’t much to say. A few minutes later I packed my stuff up and went back to my apartment… but not home.
The smoky, dirty living room of this shared duplex with the ubiquitous soap opera on TV certainly wasn’t refreshing to me. It was heavy, distracting… empty. It’s true that most often when I was around at night, my housemates would be up later… and sardonic laughter would carry from bitter conversations through the thin wall of my room, and I’d be forced to take in every callous word. They’d talk most often about work, friends drinking, boyfriends, smoking, music, TV shows... simple things… simple concerns… their parents still paid their rent, and they had been well taken care of: financially at least. They had little to worry about, and concerned themselves even less with other people’s worries: they put a lot of other people down. The house was generally pretty dirty… and they were pretty hard on the house in a way which made we worry about the security deposit. My belongings and food had gone missing: and when I asked about them I always got a sharp retort or a recognizable lie.
“I’d never touch any of your things” would be the disdainful reply what I had heard when I’d ask about my missing shirt, pants… jewelry… Some of which I managed to find and take back before I left, but not all. Their replies always came in such a tone as to say "Why would I ever want to touch anything that belonged to you?" Evidentially it was a lie, but to point it out was to risk worse thievery or disrespect to belongings. I was on the lease... and as of yet, I had no way out. But then again, my ipod went missing before I moved out nonetheless... And thus far, this was one thing i didn't manage to find and reclaim.
Hopefully, but not likely... I overlooked it among my belongings.
As of today, I'd say it's over. One late bill to collect... one utility to switch over from my name to theirs, some mail to collect in a few days time... Now I can go home, right?
I'll spend 10 days at Colin's house... two months in a shared living situation I've done before... then on to Cornell: to live in a new group living situation. Hopefully this one will be very different, and I have reason to believe it will be, but I'm not sure if it will be home.
It's not so much the place rather than the people that fill it that give me that sense of home. But I'm not really home at Colin's, it feels like visiting a relative; or what it actually is, spending time with a good friend. There are large parts of me that I don’t understand or fully reciprocate Colin, and vice versa. We are different people who respect each other, and though we probably won’t admit it too often we really care about each other. But although our friendship might relax us both: I think it’s safe to say that neither of us inspires the other to any significant degree. That just isn’t the nature of our relationship…
My friend Roberto, who I had dated a while… well, I guess he did feel like home. But I never fell in love with him, and for a while at least he wanted me to. Now things are in a very good place: We are good friends, and he is starting off a relationship with someone whom he has loved for a couple of years before me… and I am seeing a lot less of him. It is as it should be. It's about time I found another home.
Right now I am sitting in a computer lab trying to build up energy to finish off some assignments which are already late. Mentally and physically, I am out of batteries… out of motivation. I want simple things out of life, and a direction to head in which to lead them. A grade, a grad school… a physical place to drive to at the end of the day… these are not goals, and I can't convince myself to make them so, even when, or especially when, these things are all I have left. People are goals, the people who walk beside you are goals… Without them each day just sort of fades into the next, I loose sense of time… purpose… and pretty much everything else. I wake up, I move… and I don’t look back... and only look up often enough so I don't run into anything.
I haven't been this stressed out since high school...
I’ve felt more alone than I have for many years now, though it’s a necessary loneliness. I just finally broke out of the place to where I feel I need to be in a relationship… For two years I had someone to talk to every night… and it was a rough switch to have that person dropped out my life: I was replaceable to him, but well... I don't work like that.
I guess a positive thing about dating Roberto is he helped wean me out of this stage. Right now, I may need to spend a lot of time with friends more so than my natural state… but I don’t NEED a relationship right now, just friends... Bad dreams come frequently about exes and other bad things… but no longer nightmares. The familiar betrayals (and other periodic stresses) will eventually work themselves out of my system, and when they do, and when I am fully content to be on my own… then I’ll be ready to begin again.
Perhaps I just need friends that understand the parts of me that Colin can’t… and Roberto can’t… the parts I barely understand myself. Spiritually, I’ve had no inspiration. And for a lot of small reasons, I feel like a cell phone with gnawed wires: you can plug me in but it takes me forever to build up a charge… and it’s one of those charges where at best it doesn’t add power faster than you can use it up. I can't recharge and do anything of value at the same time... at least not to any significant degree.
I'm burnt out…
There are reasons for me to feel this way, of course… many stressors, actually. One in particular which is far too personal to blog about (for those of you who know about my Dad's situation, this is what I'm referring to.) But the reasons aren’t necessarily what’s important. Most all of what is bothering me is outside my ability to change. I can only change myself, and I can’t seem to have any mental or physical place to come back to recharge. I need a destination… an untouchable center… and to do that I have to build a new one… and for the most part, I need to do it on my own.
All the more reasons not to depend on any one else for my psychological health. I suppose the answer is to find spiritual people who can help me find the way to my own independence again. People who remind me of who I used to be... who I want to be...

Oh right... I know the perfect person... but that is a friend who I'd be much safer not letting get to close to me...
*sigh*
I can think of no worse time for me to meet such an amazing human being as I have recently. And all my attempts to convince myself that this person is somewhat less amazing have failed. Timing is horrible on both ends: and I’m not sure as I could let this person be only the friend I need and not… well, the person I’ve been falling in love with. I can honestly say it isn't a psychological need or a crush... certainly not just physical attraction...
If I was going to be around the area for a while, and if he was as well, I'd hold of and be comfortable doing so. There would be time for honesty later. I'd work through my troubles, I'd let him do the same (he's just out of a relationship himself, and doing a lot of thinking about grad schools and careers amid working fulltime plus a class. He doesn't need the complication yet). Eventually, if everything had time to settle I might have something more to say. But this is not the situation I find myself in. The clock is ticking... and bad timing is the only timing I have. I only need a new friend now, but somehow... It still isn't enough with this particular individual. I've tried, but I always want him to keep talking... or just to stay a little longer...
It has always been people who gave me the sense of home, not the place. In fact, I've been most infused with a feeling of peace and acceptance when all my belongings were on my back, or when I was in a car headed to who knows where with the right person beside me. So what should I do, when I feel like I am home... and I don't have the key? Beyond that, it's not my right to ask for it... It really isn't my home... It can't be... But it feels like it is... Something this strong to me can't be all on my end... It just can't be...
I’ll save you the writing as to why this person is so amazing... It’s probably better if I don’t focus on those things…
To do the responsible thing and continue to just act as a friend and nothing more to this person will lead to a couple of possible scenarios, assuming that I can’t convince myself this guy isn’t so awesome after all (hasn’t been working thus far). A) I will eventually have to settle for a second best or nothing at all in a relationship, because I'm quite convinced at this point that I couldn't create a more awesome individual. It isn't the sum of the traits... I'm not sure what it is... It' sa lot of things that kicked in fairly immediately after meeting. Well anyways...
Then there's point B. When I let this guy pass on by as if it was just a crush I let quickly fade, I'll wonder if I really should have been that responsible all along… If this individual isn't so amazing as they seem, well, I'll never really know.

But at least by leaving this situation alone I’m only hurting myself… rather than someone else too. If this person had shown an equal degree of stupidity in looking at me in the same manner as I did him… that might be different. I’m not going to try to “win him over”. I dropped the subtleties… he didn’t take the bait… and that’s enough. A conversation hasn't come up again, and for the most part I don't plan on bringing it up. I've even managed to try to only hang out with him with other friend's around so it's easier for me not to say or do anything retarded...
A wise Singaporean ex-Taoist temple drummer turned Christian once told me “Never bruise the fruit that was meant to be plucked by someone else”. He was a wise (and obviously interesting) man.
Emotions are never in tune with logic: and though others have the cognitive power to override the former with the latter, I don’t think I can in this case…
Yah for unrequited love….
And that’s all I’m going to say about that last detail...


COLDPLAY - The Scientist.
Come up to meet you, tell you Im sorry
You dont know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh lets go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart

Nobody said it was easy
Oh its such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said that it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Math Class Poetry.

A couple of poems I wrote in Math Modeling class when it was boring as all hell last week… one inspired by people sucking, one inspired by a particular individual who is goddamn awesome. =)

I’m Renaming You Tomorrow

A borrowed contradiction
To say you’re true to me
As we evolve or slough and preen
Forgetting what we’ve been

A necessary evil
The current in my mind
But when this season rolls again
The landscape won’t be mine


Re-entering the Garden.


Your face comes back in times of excess
Or in great want
Responsibilities behind in any case.
I take you home to the place you’ve never believed in
but will now see in me,
Just a wish it could be different
A small trial... that was all I needed.
and then the sun pulls up behind us as we go.

I turn you round, you open wide
As the air revives each beauty
Green, untamed and timid
But calm only for you.
The wilder passions graze free here
There’s no need to confide them
There’s nothing to misunderstand or want power over
Nothing hidden behind or in front
Certainly nothing to fear.

You sit down gently and I leave you to your thoughts
As softly as I entered them,.
Back seamless to a world that has yet to yoke me, but tries
As I move among it formless and fluid
Our center is here and safe
If only in the moment I believe

You can’t speak to me
Unless you’re words are already unbound
You can’t see me
Unless I’m what you want to see
You can’t hold me
Unless this is the place you held from the beginning
“Oh yeah” you breathe
“I’ve been here before”

Then you beckon
And we move on, slowly feeling our way
Always just enough
Always more than enough
To be is enough until that end
Where the sun rolls back

“Oh yeah” I breathe.
“You were never here,
And I have no idea who you really are.”

Cornell.

Ok this post is my actual grad school decision... and yup, Cornell it is.

Doug the humanitarian suggested I factor out anything on my pros and cons list that was based in fear... that included half a dozen cons to Cornell and Ithaca... which were then replaced with one pro: facing my fears.

It was still a tough decision. I think I would have went to Vanderbilt if one professor had gotten back to me a bit sooner. I had tried reaching him a couple of weeks ago to see if I could work out a summer rotation, and he never called back... Come to find out he was in Japan and Singapore and would have had no problem taking me early. He was pretty disappointed I wasn't going to be there. I had thought he blew me off...

He tried to talk me out of it... I considered the fact that I hadn't signed anything at Cornell yet, and maybe I could still back out. But a department head had signed my paperwork this morning, and Tali managed to find out I was never really wait-listed for David Smith's lab... the long delay in my acceptance at Cornell was because the department wanted to see if I would be awarded the fellowship I received by the university. (Crappy life bonus).

So there it is. Please visit me in Ithaca. =)

grad school choice

So after days of agonizing about grad schools, I've come to some pretty drastic conclusions.

I don't feel peace about either decision. Even when I factor out any fear-based decisions as my friend the humanitarian sugggested, they tie on a pros and cons list.

For that reason I've decided to say fuck it all.

I'm going back overseas. My grandfather has always been trying to get me to do the peace core, and I've never been happier than when I've had all my belongings on my back. I'm about to let the winds direct my sails... thank you my piratey friends for this lesson.

And thank you to a certain Cornellian who habitually reads blogs. Because previous to this sentence this post is all bullshit... and it's for you.

You've been an amazing friend to me in the past. In fact, I know I wouldn't have gotten into good grad programs if it wasn't for you. You saw potential in me when virtually no one, including Mark... did. You patiently put up with my bullshit when things were ugly between me and Mark, and I haven't forgotten that. I will never forget that, and I will always be grateful to you.

I see good in Ryan perhaps you don't see. this is ok. I can tell you honestly that he didn't consciously mean to do anything to you to hurt you: quite the opposite. He felt everything he did was for your best. Hate him if you want, but I can't watch you hurt him. He'll never be the one to tell you, but he thought a lot of you, especially after the breakup with Jesse he saw a lot of changes in you for the better. However, you were successful in your quest. You hurt him a lot.

Tali if you want to know how I'm doing... Ask. Otherwise I suggest you stop caring. But since I know you are reading this, I know you still do care =)

Just promise me you'll stop trying to hurt Ryan. I know your pretty damn stubborn... which in most cases makes you pretty damn awesome. In this case it may mean we aren't friends anymore over something pretty trivial. This is a retarded way to end a perfectly good yet strange friendship. I have few enough females I actually can speak the language with...

So there it is. It's up to you.