Spring just started rolling in today, and it caught me off guard. I barely expected winter… I guess I kind of hoped time would slow down a little bit so I could catch up. The older I get, the faster time moves.
I also didn’t seem to notice a lot of the changes taking place in my self. I know this sounds weird… But since September I’ve just kept pressing on, did school… and when I got lonely found someone to date. My heart wasn’t really in any of it, I was just getting by and doing my best to move toward the sort of life I thought I’d have with someone else. I couldn’t do it.
So I did a lot of the “right thing” last week. And I’m single again… and no one really got hurt. I’m glad about that… Roberto is, among other things – a great friend.
I’m shallower. I’m more morally conflicted. I’m less trusting… I can think of scarce few ways I may be a better person now than last summer… I fell apart. These things happen... But it’s hard to rebuild without an end goal in mind.
I have faith in very little, and that in which I do I have little passion for. I trust the sun to rise. I trust Roberto to be my friend… he’s stable, he’s a good man. But I didn’t fall in love with Roberto. Those who have managed to spark that kind of reaction have always been passionate, driven and just a bit impulsive – those sorts I trust to disappoint in the worst ways possible… passions quickly acquired are just as easily lost…
I don’t trust that God is in his heaven and all is right in the world… I’m not sure if God really does much of anything other than exists in people's heads to make people feel better. Some people seem to have some magic formula I don’t… I’m not sure I ever had it… I certainly don’t now. If there is a God he’s given me a lot of mixed messages, and in the last year or so he’s dropped in fewer and fewer for visits. There were things in my life I was very happy for and I gave God credit for it… I didn’t have much of those sorts of things growing up. I kinda feel like an orphan invited over to Christmas and sent back home… It was only for a little while, I kept telling myself that. It wasn’t enough. I’m back to my own weakness… and my logic has never been enough to overpower my emotions. They’ve always been very difficult to win over. Logic directs the bulk of my steps, but I do a lot of looking behind me...
I always used to say that the soul has a path it must follow and it will languish if it looses it’s way. For the longest period in my life so far, I have no idea where I am going….
I’ll make whatever choice seems best. I’ll go to grad school. I’ll move forward, make new friends… and be loyal to them. But the world lost its color in September… and the more comfortable I get with my life, the more I realize that things just might stay that way for a long long time.
I hope not.
