Michigan

Going back to home of the last couple of years or so, I did a lot of talking and thinking about the meaning of life, and a little of other things important things like enjoying a night of whiskey coke and flirting. There was a steady and orderly rhythm to it, perhaps only in my mind... I saw all the people I really wanted to see and had just enough time to share and receive exactly what I needed to. And it all flowed together to a destination. I left quite refreshed.

Chris and Jenn picked me up and made me laugh. Chris had just gotten a new job, and Jenn was a lot more relaxed than when I had seen her last semester. Somehow big tangles in my head became little laughs when I shared them, because this is a magical skill that good friends have. I started to feel at home… and for the first time since going back to Ithaca and being primarily called by my old name, I felt more like myself.

I met with an old professor, who was another Cornell grad student back in her day. To my surprise, she wasn’t so interested in what I had learned or the small talk that I was willing to share, but me. She saw me and my career to be not separate, as it in my own mind… but more as clothing that would at some point fit me quite well the moment I got it on.

“I’m glad to see you have gained confidence.”

“Huh”? I replied. “Dr Delprato used to always make fun of me for being cocky”. I was in fact, quite hurt that he couldn’t make it to see me when I dropped by. Back then, I didn’t know if I could make it to grad school at all, let alone a good one. My ex told me he didn’t think I could do it… and I did think I might end up getting a masters degree at EMU before going anywhere else. But I faked it… and I often felt I knew more, or mostly just cared more about my career than many of the people around me in my classes.

“I’m sure he was being sarcastic. That was the one area I thought you had to develop…” and she talked of conversations and events to fit her point.

Little did she know that I felt very inconfident and uninspired at Cornell… Mostly do to personal reasons during the last semester that had nothing to do with my career. The information and people I was exposed to thus far were quite inspiring. But something was still missing in my head.. or my heart. My heart is yet to be fully in my work as it is when I write. My old professor gave me a hug when I left, and somehow I did feel confident when I left. I hoped it with my lab.

I talked with Doug and Justin for hours.

“There is one particular professor at Cornell who is smarter than God.” I told them. “She assigns me essays asking me to solve the brain or explain human nature… and the stack of papers I had to read for her class was almost a foot high”.

Doug and Justin nodded. The standards of Eastern were a lot lower, and we were quite aware of the fact that it took us all a little longer to feel “ready” for grad school. We were all quite appreciative of the mentorship of my former advisor in that preparation.

“One of the essays assigned to me asked me to give examples against the common sense view that we are aware of our brain’s actions. Somehow the placebo effect works if we are successfully deceived. People confabulate when their brain fails to get the correct input from somewhere. There’s plenty of evidence that goes against the idea that we are aware of our perceptions, our emotions, even our own volition.”

I continued. “Most people can’t live without free will or the idea they are aware… I think it went beyond “common sense” as my professor worded it. Many religions starts with higher consciousness or awareness as the defining soul of humanity. And science tells me I am neither so noble nor divine.”

Neither of my labmates had any strong religious conviction… at least not anymore. Doug used to. I used to. But science makes us comfortable with uncertainty and very uncomfortable with faith in the unseen…. Especially faith despite the seen.

“But herein lies the problem. The happiest people I know are the ones who believe the most in higher consciousness, in free will, in God. The more fundamentally they believe these things, the happier they seem to be. I saw this professor I admired very much in a restaurant once. From what I knew, she should be very happy. She has a successful career, she has hobbies, she travels, and she has a husband and children. But she sat alone in a buffet restaurant, and she looked very sad. After she paid the check, she sat there… listened to an ipod… took a deep breaths. It was as if she didn’t have anything to come home to. I never want to be like that”

Doug and Justin could relate. The happiest people Justin knew were quite Catholic. Doug… well, I knew he was more passionate when his beliefs were a bit different. Justin was never raised particularly religious… and he’s never came across particularly passionate to me in regards to happiness or unhappiness. Doug on the other hand, I can imagine being both extremes.

“Well it’s about making your self happy.” Doug said, “The religious life is fulfilling because that is what those people want to believe”. Doug said… or something along those lines.

I wasn’t expecting such an answer from Doug. He was quite driven, and at the moment, quite overworked. He also didn’t seem to sleep more than a couple hours a night lately. But he was very unselfish, and had very deep values. Most people who I’ve heard the “ do whatever makes you happy” line from are a bit more selfish or simple than Doug. Most people are. But this particular mystery, I don’t think Doug had solved yet. He didn’t really claim to. He just doesn’t know… and that was what further conversation yielded.

“I’m not so sure my brain knows what will make me happy.” I told him. “If it does, it doesn’t have the logic to speak it.

I went out to dinner with them and Doug’s girlfriend. Doug drove me home. I don’t remember what, if anything was said that night, but I did dream of being both safe and confident… though not in control. Doug drove me home throughout my dreams while I sat (strangely enough) in the back seat. I knew I was going home in this dream and it didn’t matter how, and it didn’t even matter that I was in the backseat… for I felt quite safe with my friend.

I like a lot of the metaphor in that dream… For me. It didn’t boil down to doing what made me happy, I know I don’t quite know what to do. I don’t need to conscious control my own state. I know myself, and yet I don’t. It’s this striving… it’s this divinity, that humanity may worship, and for good reason. It may not be fully attainable. I don’t need to feel certain or in charge of my life. I don’t need to know the nature of the afterlife or believe in it. I just have to wonder… I need the mystery of seeing something that is as of yet, unexplained. And as far as my personal interplay with that mystery is concerned, I need a landmark to tell me where I am going, and people to walk it with.

I saw this in Roberto and Lauren when I spent the weekend with them. Somehow the two of them seem to have cracked the magic formula of happiness. Their apartment was very small, as was their budget when I got there… Roberto was about to start school and between jobs and Lauren was investing heavily in her art. It was their humble and loving life I wanted very much. They were doing all they could, they liked where they were going and who with. They let that be enough, and the world be beautiful.

And then I went to Idaho… of which the journey follows another theme, and will be put into another post.