A Solemn and Trivial Hello.

I did a bit of free-writing about some things awaiting me in Ithaca, much of which is a little too personal for this blog, and these excerpts are borderline. But most of you who understand it I trust it with, so here it is:

I could easily forget it all, to pretend you are just like any of the rest, until it really is so. But in those other cases, the good could be more easily sifted from the bad, the gifts were a bit more mutual and eternal and the misunderstandings could eventually be nothing more. But the weight of what you did leave me with is much heavier, and the memories would eat me away from the inside even if I did not rehearse them consciously. In the perfect world, I'd still retain you, I'd still cherish you... and nothing but the physical would have to change. But the physical and broken promises is all you left me with, giving me a a bittersweet aversion and attraction to all similar emotions that can come afterwards for others.... for you were a wonderful mistake, and told wonderful lies. There can never be worse and they can never be better. I have come to the point where I can remember the good and forget the bad, but the reality still is I never meant to you what you did to me. Your actions were clear enough, and I've been hurt enough.

I will do my best to walk the line between not saying anything too good or too bad, yet not being awkward to the point of saying nothing at all. Your world is yours... and though mine will be very parallel, it can be perfectly parallel: never intersecting. Yet that resolution will draw a great deal of strength from me as I uphold it against many pressures against it.

One can never love without opening themselves up to be hurt. Yet I chose my path not for love, and not for hate, but for logic, faith and the decision not to limit any decision by fear. I know what is coming, I know it will break me on a semi-daily basis, and I know I will either reset my psychological limits or reach the end of what is probably a weakened biological potential for these sorts of things.

But this is my path, and I can only control my own steps, not yours. So hello again: a polite, solemn and trivial hello.

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