An Evolving Disciple

The past is gone but something might be found to take its place.

“I don't understand what you see in him” said my friend the Stoic, with a sigh. The Stoic (as I will call him in this writing) is one of the few people I'd go to with my troubles... especially the illogical kind, for he'd find those most entertaining. He was never swayed by emotion, and he was great at both seeing through bullshit, and giving it back. “Well,” I told him with a shudder of held back tears, “There was a time I was crying into his shoulder, and offering to give him a kidney if he ever needed one. He made some comment about how efficiently the kidney would be able to filter through blood with a high glucose content in the blood. I don't remember what he said, but I do remember that I stood there trying to remember how the loop of Henle worked, and I forgot to be sad. “ “I see”, he said, though it was clear from his tone that he didn't. “So yes, It's reason like that I suppose.”

A bit of writing on an old project. All you need to know to follow this segment is that sedo is a mortal race of people, and that the sedo feel that the immortal Shiiten-sa are demons. Otherwise I've been working with this overarching story line since I've been 17, so just think back to anything else you might have seen or heard from me that was Oria related. Updated 3/25/09 __________________________________________ The air was clear, and the demon was silent. So Faruhar began running. The town gave itself over to the tree line within seconds, and then she was running steadily through the forest, a smile on her face. She jogged on, one minute, five, fifteen.  Her legs propelled her forward of their own accord. Her mind only busy enough to keep her away from human settlement. The sky changed from gray to white to blue between the blurred branches. When darkness came, she closed her eyes, and she kept moving: instinct guiding every muscle. She dodged trees, and her other sen...

Going back to home of the last couple of years or so, I did a lot of talking and thinking about the meaning of life, and a little of other things important things like enjoying a night of whiskey coke and flirting. There was a steady and orderly rhythm to it, perhaps only in my mind... I saw all the people I really wanted to see and had just enough time to share and receive exactly what I needed to. And it all flowed together to a destination. I left quite refreshed. Chris and Jenn picked me up and made me laugh. Chris had just gotten a new job, and Jenn was a lot more relaxed than when I had seen her last semester. Somehow big tangles in my head became little laughs when I shared them, because this is a magical skill that good friends have. I started to feel at home… and for the first time since going back to Ithaca and being primarily called by my old name, I felt more like myself. I met with an old professor, who was another Cornell grad student back in her day. To my surprise, she ...

I just got back from 2 weeks of not being in Ithaca... it was beautiful and refreshing. I got to see a lot of good friends that I wish I could take back with me, some of whom I hadn't seen in 4 years. I did a lot of deep thinking and close talking, and a bit of drinking and spending. And I engaged in a timeless ritual embraced by women of all creeds, ethnicities and values... to show I've changed (and gotten over a man): I've chopped off my hair and gotten a lot of new clothes. It feels good. There's much in my head to transcribe of the particular thoughts and conversations I've had in the last 2 weeks... a lot I really want and need to write out. For now, here's a poem I wrote a couple days in when I was making up for lost REM sleep: A Recurring Dream: I don't know where were going but you're driving me home I know all these roads all too many and you're taking too long for I feel the ending and I missed the start but you take the long way and I kno...

NOTE/DISCLAIMER - I PURGED THIS POST OF MORE PERSONAL DETAILS. THIS IS JUST THE END. It's weird how the people who make you the happiest are often the same ones who make you the saddest. I still feel sad but not conflicted, I feel even more lonely and I imagine that will get worse. But I feel at peace, very much at peace. Some of you have been telling me to do this for a while... My friend Jesse told me: “You know this is kinda cheesy Orri, but when I get said I imagine myself on a boat where all my sadness and misery is on an island behind me. And I keep putting myself there, in that boat, as it slowly becomes smaller and smaller on the Horizon” “But where are you going when you move away from it?” I asked. I've always been uncomfortable not having a path towards a future goal, even to the expense of the present. “I don't know. We never know. But that's what makes life so interesting”

For most of my life, when I was presented with anything fearful or unpleasant, I would usually just stare it down. Things only really were hurtful or negative on the first pass, but not so much on the second thought, the third remembrance... and after a while, it would be nothing at all. I hadn't read Dune at that point, but I recognized one of the mantras in it later in life when I did read it. “I will let the fear path through me, and in the end only I will remain...” Yes. All fears were worth facing then, and I felt confident in taking them down. At some point in my adult life this strategy began to fail me. About a year ago, I found fears that could not be faced down. I found problems that upon analysis, bore no resolution.... philosophically, emotionally... I was changing. I always considered myself, and have been considered strong to fault. I became weak in a lot of ways upon finding these limits. I became restless... distractable, emotional... at odds in general. For the fir...