Distracted

The problem with trying to read without listening to music is there is too much to think about, and when the words aren’t as clear and interesting and fascinating as the other things cluttering my head… I find myself distracted. Right now I’m reading up on the neuroscience of vision… or trying to. Thoughts of Myanmar, of service work I wish I had time for, of needing pizza and beer with friends who no longer live in state, of men in general sucking… of death (not mine… a friend’s boyfriend). Mostly thoughts stemming from that suicide really… of empathizing for the people involved, of being mad of the people not capable of empathizing with someone who the world crushed like only reality can…

Grr. People are bastards… And somehow it’s always the ones who pride themselves on their empathy or morality that end up being not so empathetic or moral. I need to hang out with more people who introduce themselves as hell-bound in a handbasket-style bastards. But I really do believe it’s takes someone who knows what pain feels like to empathize it… and that means there’s a lot going on in the world that a lot of people really can’t empathize. It makes me angry to watch people close their eyes and turn their mind to happier things, because so much human pain is preventable... fixable. Ignorance, especially the ignorance we choose, does a shitload of damage.

The problem with listening to music to help one concentrate is all the songs is that too many songs are about love and longing, and I am too angry and pessimistic when it comes to thoughts right now find those songs relaxing.

As I get older, I get more and more used to the ideas that most people do when they get older. I stop dating people for wanting to direct the next Donny Darko, and start looking for the things that are long-term material. At this stage I’ve figured my life out I know what I want… and it’s not really out there. At least if empathetic mature, secular-monk scientist types exist at Cornell, I’m too busy to find them. Most people my age here are also Cornell grad students, which mean they should have their nose in a book en route to making their career a reality, and most people here chose that life because it’s fulfilling. And it is for me, as long as what I do outside of it involved helping others, and as long as I find myself amid deep relationships: being able to give and receive. I imagine people like me are extremely busy…

Especially when I find myself disappointed/mad at the best friend I have out here.

Perhaps I wouldn’t be so busy if I wasn’t so distracted and/or lonely. But to fix the lonely problem before getting to this stack of papers wouldn’t really help me that much either.

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