An Evolving Disciple

This is following up on my last post... a bit of freewriting I wrote almost a month ago... It's still just as valid now as it was then. And now I officially and truly promise not to post about unrequited love... Really... When it's too late to jump from a higher place. He would say something vague, feeling I'd catch the meaning and miss the motive. Beyond those words he'd feel very misunderstood. I would feel the same. We would stare at each other between quiet moments of down at our feet. We would change the subject, and find a deep breath was all it took to bring it back again. He'd want to tell me he's not really the sum of his actions – least of all the most recent, which were rather impressive. “I'm just a guy”. He'd want to say... “You'd always see more than that, or you'd always see less.” He'd expect me to be disappointed. He'd expect me to disappoint him. He would not really expect I could get past his guarded facade any faster t...

“Hey Colin…” I said “Huh?” he replied turning the music down a bit. I was sitting on the couch; Colin was behind me in his office chair on the computer. This was yet another day when I stopped by to grab dinner and/or watch a quick episode of anime. I should be studying… I should be doing a lot of things… But… “I want to go home…” “Then go.” Colin interjected. “… but I’m not sure where home is. You ever feel like that?” Colin thought for a second. “Yeah… I have” and beyond that there wasn’t much to say. A few minutes later I packed my stuff up and went back to my apartment… but not home. The smoky, dirty living room of this shared duplex with the ubiquitous soap opera on TV certainly wasn’t refreshing to me. It was heavy, distracting… empty. It’s true that most often when I was around at night, my housemates would be up later… and sardonic laughter would carry from bitter conversations through the thin wall of my room, and I’d be forced to take in every callous word. They’d talk...

A couple of poems I wrote in Math Modeling class when it was boring as all hell last week… one inspired by people sucking, one inspired by a particular individual who is goddamn awesome. =) I’m Renaming You Tomorrow A borrowed contradiction To say you’re true to me As we evolve or slough and preen Forgetting what we’ve been A necessary evil The current in my mind But when this season rolls again The landscape won’t be mine Re-entering the Garden. Your face comes back in times of excess Or in great want Responsibilities behind in any case. I take you home to the place you’ve never believed in but will now see in me, Just a wish it could be different A small trial... that was all I needed. and then the sun pulls up behind us as we go. I turn you round, you open wide As the air revives each beauty Green, untamed and timid But calm only for you. The wilder passions graze free here There’s no need to confide them There’s nothing to misunderstand or want power over Nothing hidden behind or ...

Ok this post is my actual grad school decision... and yup, Cornell it is. Doug the humanitarian suggested I factor out anything on my pros and cons list that was based in fear... that included half a dozen cons to Cornell and Ithaca... which were then replaced with one pro: facing my fears. It was still a tough decision. I think I would have went to Vanderbilt if one professor had gotten back to me a bit sooner. I had tried reaching him a couple of weeks ago to see if I could work out a summer rotation, and he never called back... Come to find out he was in Japan and Singapore and would have had no problem taking me early. He was pretty disappointed I wasn't going to be there. I had thought he blew me off... He tried to talk me out of it... I considered the fact that I hadn't signed anything at Cornell yet, and maybe I could still back out. But a department head had signed my paperwork this morning, and Tali managed to find out I was never really wait-listed for David Smith...

So after days of agonizing about grad schools, I've come to some pretty drastic conclusions. I don't feel peace about either decision. Even when I factor out any fear-based decisions as my friend the humanitarian sugggested, they tie on a pros and cons list. For that reason I've decided to say fuck it all. I'm going back overseas. My grandfather has always been trying to get me to do the peace core, and I've never been happier than when I've had all my belongings on my back. I'm about to let the winds direct my sails... thank you my piratey friends for this lesson. And thank you to a certain Cornellian who habitually reads blogs. Because previous to this sentence this post is all bullshit... and it's for you. You've been an amazing friend to me in the past. In fact, I know I wouldn't have gotten into good grad programs if it wasn't for you. You saw potential in me when virtually no one, including Mark... did. You patiently put up with my bull...